For some reason today was just not right…
being at home felt suffocating but going out and socializing almost made me throw up.
this constant pain in the stomach and inability to even take a sip of water, getting irritated at every little thing and not able to hold a conversation without losing it.
It was too hard to explain what was wrong. what would I say?!
That I just have an urge to cry for no apparent reason, that even small conversations are making my head ache? that just the thought of my future will cause me to break down, that even talking to my own mother or friends is causing me anxiety.??
No, I couldn’t, so I just said, “Nothing, I am just tired”.
then came the so-called inspirational self-talk. “it was just a bad day, it will be better tomorrow I am sure.”
but then I realized that it’s not any better tomorrow and while going through all that yet again, the voices of others got louder… why are you being rude? why can’t you come out with us? why aren’t you picking up our calls? why are you not eating?….
In order to make them stop, I said things I don’t mean, but that seemed like the only escape…
for how many more days can I say I am tired? And have them believe me.
It went on for days together.. getting bigger and scarier.
I was trying and trying to get it out of me only to fail and crumble.
Crying myself to sleep was becoming a habit, so was escaping my meals. It all was becoming a routine in my life and somehow I started accepting it.
Then one day I felt the weight become unbearable… forget getting out of the house, I could not get myself off the bed. Home alone to have no one to distract me from my feelings somehow made it worse.
Those thoughts that I have managed to curb deep down started to come to the surface, those thoughts of ending them forever were getting stronger. I was considering it, thinking of reasons, thinking of ways…
But then, I thought I owe myself another chance… Maybe it was the fear of the act or the consequences of an unsuccessful attempt or the thought of my loved ones, I backed down.
And for the first time in ages, I believed myself when I said: “tomorrow will be different”.